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lagerphone-bob.jpg

Ironbark Bob and the Lagerphone

© Tony King 2017

“Who….Let…the….BLOODY….…CHOOKS …OUT!!!!!”
Ironbark Bob knew the answer to the question, as he was the only person within 5 miles of his bush shack at Jakickabilly.
It didn’t stop him hoping however for someone to come out of hiding and own up to it.
He gave his huge knotted red beard a bit of a scratch and something crawled out and sought asylum in his egg stained overalls.

He had approximately 4 hours to find and fix his lagerphone, a family heirloom and percussion instrument, which had been damaged dancing a tango with the blue heeler named Ladder. So named as it was “always up to somethin’”

He had got on the Bundy a few nights ago and broken the family Lagerphone in a dramatic finalé to the tango, which involved trying to swan dive off the water tank into a bunch of hay bales that weren’t there anymore. Apparently Mick had taken them on Thursday and forgotten to mention it.

The Lagerphone consisted of his great grandmother’s grass tree broom handle covered with the bottle tops of every beer his grandfather had drunk over the summer of 1946.

Ladder had survived the swan dive by bailing out at the last second and sneaking back down the plank leading from the top of the tank, which was the only way up or down since the steps had rusted out. Ladder saw the lagerphone as a stick to be fetched and had hidden it in the barn while Ironbark Bob laid spread-eagled on the ground ‘til the concussion and Bundy had worn off.

“Where….the….HELL’S….THE….LAGERPHONE!!!!!!” echoed up the gully.
Ironbark always left huge holes between words that perfectly mirrored the huge gaps between his teeth. Ladder would sometimes bark in between the words to fill in the spaces, which drove Ironbark berserk. He eventually found the Lagerphone by following a trail of bottle tops that had been loosened in the fall and had come off on route to the barn. The top was cracked and had to be shortened by a foot. A dozen bottle tops needed to be re-attached. All this happened to the soundtrack of Ladder gnawing on a flea between his back legs.
“Stop….. gnawing……YER ……BALLS!!!!”

Ladder understood English perfectly and chose where and when to use the gift.
Today was not one of those days.

Ironbark Bob had played traditional Australian folk music since he was a kid and was the founding member of an outfit called “When Bush Comes To Shove”

They were playing today at the cemetery, then onto the Jakickabilly Mechanics Institute Hall for the wake. He would have to get there on the tractor as the ute wasn’t going. He’d have to get a wriggle on to get there on time. The problem was compounded when the tractor wouldn’t start either and he was forced to get to the gig on the ride on mower. The blade was rusted in the down position and he was going to get in 50 shades of shit with his neighbors mowing a strip on his way to town through their properties to save time.
He’d have to deal with that later.

Ironbark was fond of saying “Lagerphones…..are….a….piece…of…PISS….TO…PLAY!!! I…mean…LITERALLY!!!!!”
Then he would lead the laughter, actually it was the only laughter and Ladder looked forlornly on with a rising impulse of dis-ownership.
The technique of playing one was to shake it in time to the music, but what had worked out better was for the other band members to follow him. The resulting rhythm resembled a drunk winding an old 78 by hand.
When played by Ironbark Bob, the Lagerphone sounded like a peg legged pirate chasing a billy goat ‘round a tin roof.

Despite the ordeal of his transport arrangements, Ironbark was excited to be playing a new song for the first time entitled “Geez it’s itchy down there” They were the only words. He’d tried adding a few more but it stuffed the song up, so he went back to the original.

He had perfected the “one part harmony”
That was what the band called it, as he had an emphysemic drone going on that chased the melody around, exactly a fifth above it.

They mostly did funerals as Ironbark reckoned people’s standards were about 6 feet lower than normal on the day.
They were doing a funeral today if he got there on time.
He was looking forward to cranking out the new song as they lowered the coffin down. “Geez it’s itchy down there!!!” He prided himself on picking the right song for the moment, and even though the song was written about another awkward event in his life, it seemed to fit like a sock.

He had backed off the throttle going through Chainsaw Jack’s place, as he didn’t want to explain the reverse “Mohawk” he was putting through Jack’s wheat field, not tonight anyway. Actually he was hoping to never see Jack again, but as that was unlikely, he was already cobbling together a story involving aliens and had singed Ladders fur with his Bic lighter, which he would later say was done by the afterburners of the alien space ship.

No shotguns so far, this was good.

Only the gauntlet of two more farms and he’d be at the cemetery.

He was just starting to relax a bit when the John Deere spluttered to a halt, out of fuel, and a mile from the cemetery, right in the middle of the Kelly’s prize winning Rose garden. Well what was left of it anyhow.

He ran with his lagerphone and a barking dog the rest of the way, whilst practicing the lyrics to the new song out loud as people scuttled out of his road. He rounded the bend and ripped the arse out of his overalls as he vaulted the stonewall of the church, just as people started arriving for Sunday mass.

And there stood Fickle Fingers O’Connor the bass player, staring at him like he was the last beer in the fridge.

“WELL, WELL!!!!! Ironbark Bob at MASS! !!!!! Now I’ve seen EVERYTHING!!!”

All Ironbark could muster was “Where’s…the…BLOOODY…FUNERAL!!!!!!”

“ Next week Bob!!!! It’s NEXT week!!!!!”

Ironbark scoured the sky very carefully for aliens, pointed at something that wasn’t there…..then slowly limped into Mass.

 

 

 

 

Beautifully Mad’s song Billy’s Dream, written by Tony King, has just been awarded

 1st prize for Best Lyrics at the International Songwriting Awards!!

(Judges included Tom Waits, Bernie Taupin and Shirley Manson from Garbage)

Billy’s Dream is one of the tracks from our most recent album SPIN, which can be downloaded here…

https://itunes.apple.com/au/album/spin/id590965998

There is also a very moving music video for Billy’s Dream, beautifully directed and filmed by Matt Mahurin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqCaSycvDLk

Matt Mahurin talks about making the video at this link…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uH-YXyXI-ao

 

gun-to-flower

Amazing News!!!!!

FIRSTLY  …
We’ve miraculously involved one of the world’s best music video makers !!! MATT MAHURIN.

Matt has made music clips for U2, Tom Waits, Metallica just to name a few…and he has fallen in love with one of the tracks from our album…

We could tell you which song Matt will be using but we thought it would be more fun for you to guess!

***The first 5 people with the correct answer will receive a hand produced Certificate of Excellence in SPIN – “Superb Powers of Intellect and Nous” with a lipstick seal of approval from Nina Vox
(containing traces of her DNA – delicious natural art) ***

The answer will be revealed at the end of the campaign.

Here is Matt’s website … just to give you a taste of his wonderful creations and what he is capable of!

http://www.mattmahurin.com

SECONDLY…THE OTHER GREAT NEWS IS

Thanks to the generous support of our fans we have reached 85% of our target and this is brilliant!!

We are even more excited about this project now that we know who is making the film clip!!

We are completely aware that a lot of you are in no position to donate money and weCOMPLETELY UNDERSTAND. You have already supported us enough by listening to our music over the years.

There is a way you can still help however, by forwarding the Indegogo campaign link to anyone you feel may be interested. It is not just a donation as you get goodies in return…

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/beautifully-mad-spin-album-film-clip-and-promotion/x/2026719

Also if you go to Facebook and click the LIKE BUTTON on our Beautifully Mad Band Page

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Beautifully-Mad/103950143012237?ref=hl#

Every action helps us reach a wider audience and potentially reach our target.

Lots of love

Beautifully Mad xx

As part of an almost extinct species known as “The full time musician” we really related to this image 🙂

Amazing News!!!!!

FIRSTLY  …
We’ve miraculously involved one of the world’s best music video makers !!! MATT MAHURIN.

Matt has made music clips for U2, Tom Waits, Metallica just to name a few…and he has fallen in love with one of the tracks from our album…

We could tell you which song Matt will be using but we thought it would be more fun for you to guess!

***The first 5 people with the correct answer will receive a hand produced Certificate of Excellence in SPIN – “Superb Powers of Intellect and Nous” with a lipstick seal of approval from Nina Vox
(containing traces of her DNA – delicious natural art) ***

The answer will be revealed at the end of the campaign.

Here is Matt’s website … just to give you a taste of his wonderful creations and what he is capable of!

http://www.mattmahurin.com

SECONDLY…THE OTHER GREAT NEWS IS

Thanks to the generous support of our fans we have reached 85% of our target and this is brilliant!!

We are even more excited about this project now that we know who is making the film clip!!

We are completely aware that a lot of you are in no position to donate money and we COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND. You have already supported us enough by listening to our music over the years.

There is a way you can still help however, by forwarding the Indegogo campaign link to anyone you feel may be interested. It is not just a donation as you get goodies in return…

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/beautifully-mad-spin-album-film-clip-and-promotion/x/2026719

Also if you go to Facebook and click the LIKE BUTTON on our Beautifully Mad Band Page

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Beautifully-Mad/103950143012237?ref=hl#

Every action helps us reach a wider audience and potentially reach our target.

Lots of love

Beautifully Mad xx

As part of an almost extinct species known as “The full time musician” we really related to this image 🙂

Image

Hi Friends, want to help Beautifully Mad get a Music video clip made? Every tiny bit will help us to realise this very important goal. You can receive a copy of our new album and a lot more goodies by contributing at this link.. http://www.indiegogo.com/beautifullymad/x/2026719

Image

Beautifully Mad have a new album called SPIN!!!!

It features Billy’s Dream which won best lyrics at the Australian Songwriters Awards 2009 (ASA)

and She Kept on Swimming won best Acoustic Song at the 2011 ASA awards.

An Eye for an Eye, If I could sing you and Song for the Newborn have all been shortlisted

in the 2012 ASA Awards.

It features our fantastic band of Hamish Stuart on Drums, Bill Risby on Piano/Piano accordion.

Craig Walters on Sax, George Washingmachine on Violin with Tony on guitars/bass /harmonica/

male lead vocals and Nina Vox (Kris Ralph is now going under this name for all her artistic projects)

on female lead vocals. Rob Maxwell-Jones on harmonies.

Here is the cover for Beautifully Mad's new album SPIN

Here is the cover for Beautifully Mad’s new album SPIN

This is an original oil painting by Nina Vox

You can pre-order your copy of the Spin Album which will be shipped on the 15th December.

The link is:

http://www.beautifullymad.com/spin_preorder_page.html

Lots of love  🙂

Tony and Nina xxoo

When the preacher said “Wade do you take Wilma to be your old lady”, Jake was already 6 years old wondering why all the relatives were sittin’ on one side of the Crickle Creek church in Arkansas.
Jake loved Church, not because of any affinity with the Lord, but because he loved music, and was crabbier than a bear with a sore ass if he didn’t get to sit behind the organist on a Sunday.
Music didn’t exactly run in the family and the idea of music to Wade’s ears was his pick up truck, which he said ”you could hear a long time ‘fore you saw it”
There wasn’t a hell of a lot to do once you turned off the paved road in Crickle creek other than puddychuckin’ and fiddlefartin’ and since music made young Jake hornier than a two peckered billy goat, his folks figured they should get him an instrument to keep his hands occupied in a more dignified manner.
An organ was out of the question on account of its size, which Jake was tore up about and finally his parents had eliminated all other instruments on account of their budget.
Jake was devastated and for two weeks he hauled himself around like a snakes ass in a wagon rut.
It was finally Uncle Cletus came up with the idea of giving Jake his jaw harp.
Since he was no longer in Jail and had no further need of it, the jaw harp became the property of Jake who was happier than a nine headed cat in a fish market.
Uncle Cletus never learned to play it officially and he passed the time in jail pretending the jaw harp was his sweetheart Tabitha.
Suffice to say the lessons he gave Jake on how to play it were just plain disturbing.
The upside of Crickle Creek was that in between whitlin’ and fixin to die there was a huge hunk of time left in between to practice, which Jake did.
He applied himself with the tenacity of chewing gum to a boot and soon mastered the tongue action. After a few years he could finally do it without going cross eyed and dribbling too much. He could play the words to the Lord’s Prayer so folks could hear it clearer than when Reverend Wesley was talkin’ it!
As Jake got older though his playing hit a hurdle. His teeth defied gravity until finally he could eat corn through a picket fence. This meant he kept hitting the tongue of the harp with his teeth. As his heart was set on being a bonafide player he hatched a plan to remedy it. He went up to the tavern and got so drunk he couldn’t hit his own ass with a two gallon scoop shovel. He then emptied the family repertoire of cuss words in the direction of Bathtub Billy Baisden who obliged by punching out all the offending teeth with one swing. Jake was lucky to pull it off though as Bathtub Billy was a man noted not just for his short fuse but also for his short attention span. The tricky part was “getting’ him angry ‘fore he forgot why”
Jake was now good enough to win the Ozark Mountain Championships Best Rising Hilly Billy Award despite the nerves getting to him.
When he received the award he said ”My tongue twisted around my eye teeth and I couldn’t see what I was playin’”
From then on Jake was busier than a flea in a ‘coon hat factory, playing festivals and giving master classes from the Appalachians to Alabama.
When asked where people like the jaw harp, Jake used to say “anywhere where folks will shoot each other over a picnic table”
The master classes consisted of him saying “Can y’all see what I’m doin’ inside my mouth? …..well neither can I…? “ Followed by his famous laugh “he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck” He modeled his laugh on “tryin’ to start the tractor on a cold morning”
His left eye would wander ‘round the room in time to the music whilst his right eye stared straight ahead. Asked why, he would say “guess I’m checkin’ for exits ‘case things don’t pan out”
His technique consisted of “hit the tongue of the harp with your gun finger and try stuff that doesn’t make folks wanna leave. If they start leavin’, change what you’re doin’ til folks starts a comin’ back”
Jake played on 500 albums and was famous for “gettin’ on albums without ‘em knowin”. He did this usually with the co-operation of the sound engineers or mixers. He ‘s in the background of some very famous albums if you have the ear.
To name just a few, he played on Miles Davis “kind of Blue”, Elvis Presley’s Hound Dog, “Frank Sinatra’s – Fly me to the moon” and even the Chicago Symphony doing Beethoven’s Fifth, where he hid behind the timpani going “he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck” in time to the music, and didn’t even get to play his Jaw Harp.,
He was in the remake of Deliverance, entitled Fedex, in which he played “Dueling jaw harps” by himself with two jaw harps, about which he said “he was busier than a one legged man at a butt kickin’ contest”
He won a Grammy for his album “Sister, where art thou?…In the kitchen you dang fool”
He released a box set of his albums, simply titled “Y’all”
He lived to a ripe old age and put the secret down to “He ain’t done whitlin’ yet”
His wife of 70 years Martha Mae said he was “too dang busy playin’ the jaw harp to drink hisself to death”
His headstone in the Crickle Creek Cemetery simply says
“He-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck he-yuck”